A 7-Step Prescription for Self-Love

Deborah Khoshaba, Psy.D.

Self-love is an action, not a state of feeling good.

Self-love is a popular term today that gets tossed around in normal conversation: "You have to love yourself more." "Why don't you love yourself?" "If you only loved yourself, this wouldn't have happened to you." "You can't love another person until you love yourself first." These are just a few of the self-love directives we give or get to suggest a way to more living fulfillment.


Self-love is important to living well. It influences who you pick for a mate, the image you project at work, and how you cope with the problems in your life. It is so important to your welfare that I want you to know how to bring more of it into your life.

What is self-love?

Is self-love something you can obtain through a beauty makeover or a new set of clothes? Can you get more of it by reading something inspirational? Or, can a new relationship make you love yourself more? The answer to all of these questions is no. Although they feel good and are gratifying, you can't grow in self-love through these types of activities.


Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good. It is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows through actions that mature us. When we act in ways that expand self-love in ourselves, we begin to accept much better our weaknesses as well as our strengths, have less need to explain away our shortcomings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts.

How to cultivate self-love

  1. Become mindful. People who have more self-love tend to know what they think, feel, and want. They are mindful of who they are and act on this knowledge, rather than on what others want for them.
  2. Act on what you need rather than what you want. You love yourself when you can turn away from something that feels good and exciting to what you need to stay strong, centered, and moving forward in your life, instead. By staying focused on what you need, you turn away from automatic behavior patterns that get you into trouble, keep you stuck in the past, and lessen self-love.
  3. Practice good self-care. You will love yourself more when you take better care of your basic needs. People high in self-love nourish themselves daily through healthy activities, like sound nutrition, exercise, proper sleep, intimacy, and healthy social interactions.
  4. Set boundaries. You'll love yourself more when you set limits or say no to work, love, or activities that deplete or harm you physically, emotionally, and spiritually, or express poorly who you are.
  5. Protect yourself. Bring the right people into your life. I love the term frenemies that I learned from my younger clients. It describes so well the type of "friends" who take pleasure in your pain and loss rather than in your happiness and success. My suggestion to you here: Get rid of them! There isn't enough time in your life to waste on people who want to take away the shine on your face that says, "I genuinely love myself and life." You will love and respect yourself more.
  6. Forgive yourself. We humans can be so hard on ourselves. The downside of taking responsibility for our actions is punishing ourselves too much for mistakes in learning and growing. You have to accept your humanness (the fact that you are not perfect) before you can truly love yourself. Practice being less hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, there are no failures if you have learned and grown from your mistakes; there are only lessons learned.
  7. Live intentionally. You will accept and love yourself more, no matter what is happening in your life, when you live with purpose and design. Your purpose doesn't have to be crystal clear to you. If your intention is to live a meaningful and healthy life, you will make decisions that support this intention, and feel good about yourself when you succeed in this purpose. You will love yourself more if you see yourself accomplishing what you set out to do. You need to establish your living intentions, to do this.


If you choose just one or two of these self-love actions to work on, you will begin to accept and love yourself more. Just imagine how much you'll appreciate you when you exercise these seven steps to self-love. It is true that you can only love a person as much as you love yourself. If you exercise all of the actions of self-love that I describe here, you will allow and encourage others to express themselves in the same way. The more self-love you have for yourself, the better prepared you are for healthy relating. Even more, you will start to attract people and circumstances to you that support your well-being.



Original article at Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love

Share this post

The Role of Prison Staff in Preventing Sexual Assault at Pasadena Jail

By Naomi Cook, Guest Contributor • 30 Mar, 2023
Located in Pasadena, TX, is the Pasadena Jail, and on this page , you can know how many inmates stay out their full terms in prison or be held temporarily until they are routed to another prison in the state. One of the biggest concerns and approaches that Pasadena Jail staff is taking in recent years is the statistics surrounding prison inmates and reducing sexual assault at their facility, and the role of prison staff in preventing sexual assault at Pasadena Jail for it is crucial. It is essential for staff to create a culture of zero-tolerance for sexual assault and to hold perpetrators accountable for their actions. By actively working to prevent sexual assault, prison staff can create a safer environment for inmates and ensure that justice is served.

How to Use Online Dating Apps Safely

By Teresa Siqueira, Porch.com • 13 Oct, 2022
The ultimate guide to dating app safety

Domestic Violence: Don’t Sweep It Under the Rug

By Lavatria Williamson • 01 Oct, 2022
The National Domestic Violence Hotline estimates that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience domestic violence. That is roughly 33.3% and 25%, respectively. If so many people in our community are being affected by domestic violence, then why aren’t we talking about it? Although Black people are disproportionately affected by this detrimental disease, it has somehow become ingrained in the very root of our cultural identity. Every day there are media headlines being posted on social media about celebrity couples engaging in physical violence. Rap songs are glorifying toxic masculinity including the oversexualization and objectification of women. Even frustrated parents are turning to physical punishments to discipline their children. In August 2022, rapper Blueface and his girlfriend, Chrisean Rock, got into a physical altercation in Los Angeles. This incident took the media by storm. Thousands upon thousands of people flooded comment sections with jokes and memes, essentially making light of the situation. Many may think of the story as comical, but domestic violence is never funny. It is a community issue that has plagued Black families for generations. The reason that this issue continues to permeate is due to the lighthearted way that Black people discuss serious topics. Statistically, we face higher cases of poverty, racism, low educational attainment, and domestic violence. This is likely due to the historical context in which Black people have existed in this country. When you live in a country where racism and sexism are rooted in the cultural context and institutional processes, it can make other issues seem less important or less dire, but domestic violence is indeed life or death. By having open dialogue and calling out problematic comments and jokes, we can start to make positive changes in our community and ensure the success of future generations. Disagreeing with your significant other is a normal part of any healthy relationship. However, name-calling, intimidation, stalking, sexual violence, physical violence, financial abuse, and emotional abuse are not. You are deserving of healthy, honest, and stable relationships free from the ugliness and toxicity of abuse. Let’s change the conversation and bring awareness to domestic violence and sexual assault. If you or someone you love are in an unhealthy relationship, please consider asking for help. To learn more about domestic violence visit: http://thehotline.org/

Meet Kacie Parrish, One of Arkansas's Top 40 Nurse Leaders Under 40

By Taylor McKinney • 02 Sep, 2022
An interview with Kacie Parrish, a rising leader of NWA Forensic Nurse Team

What Women's History Month Means to a Mini-Millennial

By Carly Palozola & Sandra Gibbons • 01 Mar, 2022
A Gen Alpha's take on Women's History Month

Black History Month & Why It Resonates With Our Mission

By Prentis Grayson • 01 Feb, 2022
Black History Month (formerly known as African American History Month), originated in 1976, when it was officially recognized by then-President Gerald Ford during the United States Bicentennial Celebration, but its celebration began many years before. It's important to acknowledge that the history of Black Americans began many decades earlier. In this article, we will dive into what Black History Month is, how it started, and what it means to the NWA Center for Sexual Assault.
More posts
Share by: